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Earth Girls Are Crazy, Part 2

Title: "Earth Girls Are Crazy" (part 2)
Characters: Orihime x Kenpachi
Series: BLEACH

Disclaimer: PG-13 Work-safe. Cussing. Nekkid Kenpachi and mild salaryman violence. Flirting. More dumbass cute.

Kenpachi by Jen
Orihime by sumeragiskank

Orihime listened to various loud thumps and bangings coming from her admittedly small bathroom. After she'd finished stuffing Zaraki full of pancakes for breakfast, she'd manipulated him into using her shower as well. "Real men don't need to be clean like women, my butt!" She did grin to herself though. Showing Zaraki-san how to use the shower had been amusing. She headed to her room to get changed but stopped when she saw the pile of disreputable looking clothing on the floor that Zaraki had been wearing. She had no idea where he found them, but they neither matched nor looked like they'd been washed in a long time. She gathered up the pile and put them in her small washing machine. At least they'd be cleaner if not exactly flattering on Zaraki-san... Orihime perked up as a beautiful idea struck her. Obviously, in order to help him on his time in the human world, Zaraki-san was going to need a fashion intervention. And while shopping, she could pick up things for the apartment she'd need with such a large guest, and replenish her fridge. She bounced to her room to get changed. This was going to be fun!

Kenpachi emerged from the bathroom, his wet hair clinging to his face in a somewhat sexy, somewhat dog-that-just-got-a-bath-against-his-will fashion. The tiny dripping towel around his waist barely stayed put... he clung to it awkwardly, yelling to an empty hallway. "Oi! Where're my clothes, woman!?"

Orihime poked her head out of her door to tell Zaraki and got an eyeful of wet, almost naked shinigami captain. She blinked and stared. Kurosaki-kun certainly didn't have muscles like THAT. Zaraki-san was rather beautifully put together, Orihime thought, in a feral way. It was only when she became aware that Zaraki had started grinning at catching her ogling him did she turn beet red and slam her door shut. "They're in the washer!! They need to dry for a bit!" She yelled through the door. "There are umm more towels if you need them!"

She was damn cute when she blushed, Kenpachi mused as his lips curled into a toothy grin. But then she slammed the door at him, and he was left there... still cold, wet, and naked. Towels? Fuck that. He spoke through the door. "When'll they be done?"

"Soon, I hope!" Orihime squeaked, embarassed. The faster they were dry, the faster Zaraki-san would be no longer naked and she wouldn't have to hide in her room. She pushed herself away from the door and went about getting herself dressed as quickly as she could.

"Best not come out here until then, Hime." He let the towel fall to the floor and wandered off to go sun himself by a window.

Orihime's eyes grew large at the implications of that statement from Zaraki-san. She shook her head and tried to clear her thoughts. One would think she was a shy schoolgirl from a bad shoujo manga with the way she was acting! She walked back to the door and opened it just the tiniest crack. "Just let me know when you're not naked anymore, Zaraki-san!" She called out, trying to sound unaffected.

After a while of lounging, the noise from the machine ceased. Figuring it had something to do with his clothes, Kenpachi went to check it out. He scratched his head, looking at the washer... around it... under it. He found the lid and opened it--CRACK. Shit, it broke. He stared at it, eyes wide. Uhhhh.

Kenpachi appeared back at Orihime's door, now completely clothed... in sopping wet clothing. "I think it's broken. But hey, I don't wanna bother you anymore... so I'm gonna go..."

Orihime opened her door, figuring he wouldn't be attempting to announce his departure naked, "What's broken??" She had no idea what he could be talking about, unless he meant her washer, but then, how would he know it was broken? "And you are not bothering me, so forget about lea..." She trailed off as she looked at him and realized the idiot had gone and put his clothes on wet. Men. "Ok, clothes off right now!"

"What? Hell no!" He stepped away from her. First she was embarassed to see him naked, now she wanted to? Women were crazy in the head. The sooner he got out of here, the better...

"If you don't get out of those wet clothes, you're going to catch a cold," Orihime said, determined face in place. "They needed to dry."

"That takes too fucking long!"

"Not that long if they go on the drying rack, and while they do, we can get ready for our shopping day."

"......... No."

"Oh yes. I need food and you need clothes that don't look like you stole them off the first thug you saw in a bar."

"Ikkaku said these clothes were cool. They came with the gigai. We can get food, since I ate it all (and wouldn't mind having more), but I ain't looking for clothes." He peeled his shirt off and flopped it into her arms. He began to undo the pants...

"Madarame-san's fashion sense leaves much to be desired," Orihime replied, fighting off her embarassment as she took the sopping shirt. She was not going to run and hide this time, no siree. She went over to the open window and placed it on the drying rack in the bright, warm sunshine. She held her hand out behind her without looking back. "I'll take your pants too and you put on the yukata from last night or wrap up in a blanket."

He handed her the pants, not yet making a move to find something to cover himself. "What, think I'm indecent? 11th division members are never decent."

She placed the pants on the rack as well before taking a deep breath and turning around. She kept her eyes locked on Zaraki's face. "I think you are being a brat, not indecent. So you can stop needling me, Zaraki-san."

He frowned and went to slip into the yukata.

"Thank you. There is nothing wrong with the naked body, but umm, well, you know..." She trailed off with a little laugh. "While we're waiting, we can have a snack! And talk about what to make for dinner." Orihime opened up a cabinet in her kitchen and stared, pondering what to snack on with a grin. Feeding and taking care of Zaraki made her feel all happy and giggly inside, and she couldn't really explain why.

Kenpachi slumped at the table with a groan. Food good. Talking bad. He was really starting to feel pent up in this tiny place, waiting for... stuff he didn't care about. He needed to be outside. Perferrably fighting things. Or doing something badass. For being a slow-aging shinigami, it seemed backwards that he would be so impatient, while the short-lived human wasn't... but... well, he liked to spend every waking moment doing only the things he wanted to do. 'Not all this polite talking domestic crap. Instead, he decided to focus on other things that interested him more. Aside from the food, there was the princess' ass. In tight pants. That she was flaunting in front of him as she moved around the kitchen. He knew she was. She was doing that on PURPOSE.

Orihime was unaware of the power that a pair of tight, lowcut jeans apparently had and continued to bend over and rummage in the fridge. She did turn around once to ask a question and found Zaraki staring at her strangely and intently. She turned back to the snack making without saying anything, not really sure why her cheeks felt warm all of a sudden. After a few minutes, she plopped a plate containing a large towering sandwich in front of Zaraki and smiled. "There you go, Zaraki-san."

"Damn, that's nice." THIS giant-ass thing was a snack? Forget what he'd said before, he was in heaven. Kenpachi scarfed it down, completely forgetting about all the annoying events of this morning. The sandwich worked quite efficiently to bait and placate him. He was in a better mood already.

Orihime beamed happily at Zaraki. "Thank you!" She sat down at the table and started on her own snack, which involved fluffernutter. "So, what would you like for dinner?"

"Something big like last night." It didn't even occur to Kenpachi to argue with her about whether he was staying tonight or not. It didn't seem like he had much choice in the matter... although if anyone asked, it had now become his idea.

"Hmm," Orihime pondered out loud and licked a bit of fluff off of her top lip. "We could go to the fish market and have yummy fish for dinner."

"Sounds good to me." Kenpachi finished the sandwich, slouching back in the chair (which creaked horribly). He was quite satisfied. He absently watched her eat, but didn't pay that close attention to what she was saying. How long did it take clothes to dry, anyway?

Once she finished her own sandwich, Orihime cleaned up after herself and Zaraki. Washing their plates had her whistling a Jpop song as she worked, and soon she was drying her hands on the butt of her jeans. She figured enough time had passed for drying and went out to check on Zaraki's clothes on the rack. They were dry and she let out a little cheer. She gathered them up and took them over to him. "Here you go, all dry. Now hurry up and get dressed, shopping's fun."

He took the clothes, scowling. "No, it's not. You don't get to fight anything or doing anything fun."

Orihime laughed. "You've obviously never seen how vicious people can get over sales items. It's sort of like... a quest you're on to find the best bargain and sometimes you have to eliminate the competition along the way. Only it's much harder when you can't beat them up or kill them."

"No, it's LESS FUN when you can't beat them up or kill them... and I know that feeling, Soul Society doesn't let me do too much of that around there either." But Kenpachi grinned. "So are you ruthless in this shop-fighting?" Kenpachi was amused by the idea... and envisioned Orihime wailing on other ladies like how she'd done to him earlier today.

Orihime frowned cutely at him. "Such confidence in my abilities. We won't be having a big dinner if I fail!" Of course, simply having Zaraki follow her around was going to be to her advantage. He was rather scary and intimidating looking.

"Yeah yeah." He smirked, going off to the bathroom to change. He returned moments later. "Let's get this over with then."

Orihime smiled and lead the way. Since he was being cooperative and clean, she wouldn't force him to update his wardrobe... today, at any rate. Her smile turned a little evil at that thought as she walked to the train station with Zaraki on her heels. It was going to be a nice day.

He followed her, disliking the crowd... no matter how much he towered above it. He even had to duck down as he stepped onto the train. Everyone inside gawked at him, so he kinda just leaned against the wall out of the way so as not to start a panic.

Due to the train being a little crowded, Orihime was forced to stand as well. She held onto to one of the hanging hand supports and did her best not to be jostled. Luckily, the ride wouldn't be that long. Zaraki appeared to be rather uncomfortable in the train. She figured it was because they weren't used to technology like that in Soul Society. Her pondering of how they lit their houses without electricity kept her from noticing the perverted businessman next to her who was quite blatantly staring at her chest, shuffling around and trying to get the best look down her shirt.

Kenpachi noticed, however. He reached over with one arm and grabbed the man by the collar, lifting him up from the seat effortlessly. He stared him in the face cruelly. "Hey creep, getting yourself an eyeful? Want me to make it so you don't see anything ever again?"

Everyone on the train stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the apparent madman attacking a businessman. Said businessman was trying his best to not to piss his pants. "I was only looking!" the man whimpered.

Orihime was pulled out of her thoughts by the sudden, violent removal of the person next to her. She turned to look at Zaraki and saw him manhandling a businessman. "Zaraki-san! Put him down!" She grabbed ahold of his free arm, hoping that Zaraki-san wasn't planning on punching the guy. "Wait, why are you strangling him?" Nuts as he was, Zaraki tended to not attack without some sort of reason and Orihime was definitely inclined to give him the benefit of a doubt.

"He was looking at you."

"Oh," Orihime sounded a little puzzled. Why would Zaraki-san hit someone just because they were looking at her? It did make her feel a little shamefully good inside though. Zaraki-san was looking out for her. "Thank you, Zaraki-san, but you can't hit him or shake him anymore."

Kenpachi let him go and the man made a sound as he plopped back on the seat. "Fine. But you're standing over here." Kenpachi took her by the arm and lead her to stand on the other side of him, rather close, so he blocked almost everyones' view of her on the train. He wasn't one to be protective usually, but he did not condone such perversion where the victim wasn't aware of it. Had she been, Kenpachi would have left it alone for her to handle it.

Eyebrows raised and then everything returned to normal as people went back to chattering. The distraction was over as the extremely intimidating man hid what had to be his much younger girlfriend from view. The question on the more gossipy traingoers' tongues being, of course, how exactly that relationship had started and what the poor girl got out of it.

Orihime blushed as Zaraki acted much like a wall between her and everyone else on the train. It put him in rather close proximity to her, and she could either stare at his chest or look up his face. It was sort of cute though, she thought as she sighed and craned her head up. "Thank you, Zaraki-san. I don't think anyone is ever going to bother me on the train again."

Kenpachi smirked a little, proud of that fact. "You should threaten people more so they won't anyway."

"I'm not that intimidating," Orihime sighed. The train started to slow down as the next station stop was announced over the intercom. "Oh, this is our stop!" She slipped under Zaraki's arm quickly and grabbed his hand, dragging him along with her off the train, much to the shock and/or amusement of the other occupants. Maybe the little slip of a girl knew what she was doing after all.

Kenpachi let her lead him, just happy to be off the train--he'd rather walk home. "Oi, 'now where to?"

"Well, since we decided on fish for dinner, there's a big fish market in this area. Fresh and cheap!" Orihime smiled and continued to hold Zaraki-san's hand as she walked along, not really realizing she was doing it.

Kenpachi started to feel awkward. To cover up that fact, he squeezed Orihime's hand slightly to get her attention. "Did you want me to carry you or something--?" He said it while kind of motioning to her hand. I mean, he had carried her around before. "We'd get there faster."

Orihime turned beet red for the second time that day and let go of his hand. "I'm sorry!" She hadn't meant to impose like that, but well, it felt nice. "You don't need to carry me around, I can walk."

They walked along until they made their way to the fish market.

Once they arrived to the bustling market, Orihime went into 'haggle' mode. The nervous smile she'd been wearing disappeared under a veneer of calculated boredom. She eyed fish as she walked past, searching for something that caught her eye. Finally, a couple of very fat and fresh-looking flounder presented themselves. They'd fry up nicely. She casually inquired as to how much they cost and made a noncommital sound at the price. "Hmm, do they look diseased to you, Zaraki-san?" She shot him a quick look, silently asking him to play along.

"I've seen better. 'Bigger too."

She looked at the fishes' gills with a delicate sniff. "Gills could be pinker. I'll give you 1500 for both of them." Orihime sounded like she was being generous when her offer was less than a quarter of the originally named price. The seller countered with 3000 yen. "Or would you rather have tuna for dinner tonight? We walked past that one booth with the yellowtail quite cheap." It was getting late in the day for the market, and Orihime knew that sellers would have to unload their days catch to get a decent price for them.

"Sounds good to me, but I wanna get a lot of it."

The seller sighed and made their final offer of 2000 yen. Orihime hid her grin and accepted. As the fishmonger wrapped the fish up, Orihime gave Zaraki a thumbs up. She paid and took the bag with a smile. This part of the mission complete, Orihime lead them out of the fish market. "See? It's fun to haggle. And these fish really were worth what that seller was asking. Ever had french fries?"


"They're good! We can have them with the fish. I hear people in Europe eat their fish like that all the time." She started to lead them back to the train station, but remembering their earlier problems on the train and Zaraki's sort of caged discomfort on it, she stopped. "Hmm, we need to take the train again, or it's a couple miles walk. Unless you don't mind that, Zaraki-san."

"'Course not, I like the fresh air. It's up to you." A mere train was nothing to Zaraki Kenpachi! "The fish isn't going to go bad, is it?" The food was important.

"Nope, the fish should be fine. They're wrapped well with ice," Orihime replied happily. "I don't mind walking, it's nice out." And so they walked, with Orihime actually holding up pretty well for not being in half the shape Zaraki was. As they walked along the streets, they came upon a department store. Orihime stopped dead in her tracks, a brilliant idea forming in her head. "Zaraki-san, hold the fish, I'll be right back!" She handed the bag off and ran inside with nary an explanation of what the hell she was doing. Five minutes later, she re-emerged with a little shopping bag. "Sorry about that, just remembered something. All done now!"

Kenpachi eyed her suspiciously. "What're you up to?"

"Nothing!" But she did grin to herself. "I can take the fish back if you want."

"No. Here, let me carry that bag too..." He was almost curious to see...

"No, it's fine. It's not heavy at all," she waved off Zaraki's hand. As they walked, Orihime decided to indulge her curiosity. "What's it like being a captain?"

"It's awesome, except for the bureaucratic crap. You're the strongest, and you get to fight the strongest... you're in command of the best, most loyal fighters in all of Soul Society. And the parties are wild." Kenpachi spoke fondly of it, as if he missed it. PERHAPS.

"I can't see you doing paperwork," Orihime grinned. It was obvious Zaraki-san really cared for his division and it made her smile more. "Madarame-san and Ayasegawa-san were always complaining about missing parties."

"Oh, I DON'T do paperwork." He chuckled. "And those two... Hell, Ikkaku's the reason I'm HERE."

"You never really did say why you were here. Is he in trouble?" Orihime asked a little concerned.

"No... the bastard said I couldn't make it in the human world for a week. He's just a wuss."

Orihime giggled. "Well, we'll show Madarame-san just how capable you are. He had a particular admirer at school who still inquires about him. Something about his 'manly brow' really made her umm excited."

Kenpachi gawked. "With that butt-ugly face? I'm surprised. You human women must have some very bizarre tastes." Kenpachi figured Yumichika was the only one who could stand that guy... Kenpachi tried not to think about it.

Orihime laughed at the gobsmacked expression on Zaraki-san's face. "They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I guess he fit her type?" Her laughter hid her darkened cheeks. Orihime found Zaraki to be very handsome in his own way, did that mean she was bizarre? She'd done more blushing over the past day and half than she'd done in the months before.

"'Guess so. Though I think there are a lot more attractive qualities than beauty. But I don't think Ikkaku has any of those either." He laughed himself, always enjoying open ridicule... he hoped that Ikkaku was having a sneezing fit up in Soul Society.

"I am sure Madarame-san does," Orihime smiled to herself. Or else why would Zaraki-san care about his subordinate so much? "There are some very beautiful people who can't smile or laugh. And if you can't laugh..." she shrugged her shoulders.

"Damn straight." And Kenpachi thought of Kuchiki-taichou immediately--fugliest person in Soul Society.

Orihime grinned. "We're more similar than we appear at first glance, Zaraki-san." Though luckily, the fixation on one Kurosaki Ichigo didn't occur to her or she probably would have turned beet red again.

"Tiny little girl you, and big man me? I dunno... I think we'd need to fight to find that out." Because everyone should measure everything by your fighting ability, of course.

Orihime's grin turned just the teeniest bit evil, for her at any rate, as she laughed and skipped on ahead of Zaraki. "As the score stands right now, it's Orihime 1, Zaraki-san 0!"

Dammit, he hadn't thought of that. He'd tried to forget that. His eye went wide and he just stared at her, lost for words. She was pure evil, with her little mindgames and tricks. ... Why did he like that so much? Perhaps it was the challenge it presented.

Orihime looked over her shoulder, eyes sparkling with mischief. "Since I'm winning, you're going to have to put up with being my friend."

"You might think you're difficult to get along with, Miss Hime, but you're not. Don't flatter yourself." Spoken like a true backwards compliment, Kenpachi had his 'tough guy' face on.

Orihime was not the least bit intimidated. "I could say the same thing about you." She did resist the urge to liken him to a big growly teddy bear. Orihime wasn't sure his ego could handle it.

Damn woman.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Oct. 8th, 2011 10:55 am (UTC)
kenhime fic
found this fic by accident. this is quite fun to read! its such an unusual pairing (& almost nothing written for them) that i couldn't help my curiosity. enjoyed the subtle flirting & banter & ori's denseness as to her effect on male species. feels like there's supposed to be more, though--we haven't learned what was in the bag, though i presume its clothes for ken. hope you haven't abandoned story.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )