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Earth Girls Are Crazy, part 1

Title: "Earth Girls Are Crazy" (part 1)
Characters: Orihime x Kenpachi (w/some KenIchi and OriIchi themes)
Series: BLEACH

Disclaimer: PG-13 Work-safe. It's just dumbass cute. Altho, there is a lot of cussing. And mild bondage. ^^;

Sometimes, we just had ideas and had to get them out.

Kenpach & Ichigo i by Jen
Orihime by sumeragiskank



It was a typical Friday evening in the headquarters for the 11th division. Everyone was either dead drunk or approaching inebriation. It was an especially special evening spent with the crew since it was the first time in a while Ikkaku and Yumichika were present. It was like the family was back together. Sniffle.

In true drunken lout fashion, Ikkaku and Kenpachi had been arguing for most of the night to show each other how much they cared. "I'm telling you, high school is actually another word for a torture dungeon!" Ikkaku slammed his fist onto the table he was sitting at for emphasis. He still bore the scars of being a bald male going to a normal high school filled with giggling, simpering teenaged female humans.

"You're just a pussy. What the hell problem could a bunch of human kids give you? Did they hurt your FEELINGS??" Zaraki grinned and laughed, just as blunt while drunk as he was sober.

"Fuck you, you'd be crying once those vicious harpy women started in on YOUR hair," Ikkaku glared at his captain and slammed back another beer. "You'd last 15 minutes, if that, before you blew your cover and started killing them."

"Hell no. I run around HERE all day without killing all the obnoxious people--earth'd be the same." He ran his hand through his hair, scowling. "And fuck you, my hair's beautiful." But Kenpachi grumped inwardly... it was Yachiru who liked the bells.

"There ain't many 14 year-old girls running around here with their cameras and their combs and their makeup," Ikkaku shuddered visibly. You and your freakass UGLY hair'd come running home crying about the bitches from hell after you."

Kenpachi leaned forward over the table, grabbing Ikkaku by the collar and lifting him full-bodily to his creepy face, close up. "Oi. I don't cry about anything. And you'd better fucking shut up about my hair." He let go, satisfied with the woozy thud Ikkaku made as his butt hit the floor once more. "And I'll prove to you that it's no big deal. Get me a gigai." Kenpachi was all serious about a challenge.

Ikkaku rubbed his ass and grinned drunkenly up at Kenpachi. "CRYING before the week's out, you spiky haired wimp."

"You'll eat those words, punk!"


* * * * *


Che. So that's how it had happened, and why he had snuck out of Soul Society to prove his point and earn some damned respect. But this was fucking unreasonable. Kenpachi hated this place. It was just as full of bustling happy busy-bodies as in Soul Society; what the hell was the difference? But no, he'd have to stay here for over a week. Somehow. At least he took solace in the fact that he had left Yachiru in charge of everything while he went on "vacation". Haha, she'd keep everything in line, and torture the lot while he was away. Kenpachi's disjointed thoughts wandered as he barreled aimlessly down the street, attracting quite a lot of attention with his sheer size. When he was trying to think of where he would stay for the night, he accidentally stepped in a puddle, getting his shoe wet--dammit! He hated how much this clunky gigai slowed him down and dulled his senses--this did nothing to improve his ability. But perhaps it could serve as training. Afterall... Ichigo lived on earth. If only he could have just one more fight--

Kenpachi ran into an orange-haired girl as he turned the corner.

Orihime let out a surprised "oof!" as she walked into what felt like a large brick wall and ended up landing hard on her butt on the concrete. "I'm sorry! I wasn't watching where I was walk..." she trailed off as she looked up at the person she'd collided with. And up and up past a pair of baggy, ripped jeans and even more disreputable looking shirt that appeared to have been violently removed from its sleeves. There was something familiar about his face, and it was only when she noticed the peculiar eyepatch behind the dark sunglasses that she realized who exactly it was. The captain of the 11th division looked especially different when his hair wasn't up in its distinctive hair style. "Zaraki-san!" Orihime blinked, still flopped on the sidewalk, as it dawned on her that it was highly unusual for said 11th division captain to be walking around the city. "What are you doing here?"

"You!" Kenpachi recognized her, but... "You... uhh..." A name didn't come to him, and he didn't immediately think to help her up off the ground either. "You know Ichigo! I'm looking for Ichigo..." There was a glint in his eyes that seemed a bit crazed and homicidal... in a playful way, believe it or not. But either way, it most likely didn't bode well for Kurosaki-kun.

Orihime moved to stand up, but cried out and put a hand on her bottom. She laughed embarassed up at Kenpachi and held out her hand. "Ahh, could you help me up, Zaraki-san? You and the sidewalk were a little hard."

"Eh? Oh." He held out his hand, grabbing hers firmly and yanking her up by the arm with a bit more force than he had intended. She ended up falling against him. He recalled how light she was when he had given her a piggyback ride around Soul Society... she gave far better directions than Yachiru. But damn, she was tiny and and did seem breakable, even though he knew she wasn't--she'd gone through some crazy shit to sneak into Soul Society... and she was only a mere human at that. "Sorry about that, little lady." The name thing still wasn't happening for him, so it almost surprised him that she remembered his.

Orihime placed a hand lightly on Kenpachi's chest to steady herself. That was quite the overzealous helping up. "Thank you!" She smiled up at him, completely at ease with the rather psychotic shinigami and completely unaware of the people giving them strange looks. Of course, it would not do to lead said psychotic shinigami to Kurosaki-kun. That would no doubt result in fighting and Ichigo hurting himself and that would be bad. So, it was up to Orihime to distract Zaraki-san! "I don't think we were ever properly introduced, Zaraki-san. I'm Inoue Orihime. It's nice to meet you again!"

Kenpachi blinked down at the girl bubbling cutely at him... he stepped back to distance himself just a little from it. Call it instinct. I mean, even Yachiru could be considered cute and innocent, but she wasn't. And so Inoue gave him a funny feeling. "Yoroshiku. So uhh... where's Ichigo?"

Orihime bit her lip and appeared deep in thought. "Hmm, I'm not sure where Kurosaki-kun is at this exact moment... but I'm sure we can find him if we look!" Orihime straightened her skirt and brushed herself off. "And if it's not too much trouble, Zaraki-san, while we're looking, could you help me run some errands?" She gave Kenpachi cute, hopeful eyes.

"What the hell? I don't run err--"

Orihime blithely ignored Kenpachi's protest and grabbed ahold of one of his hands. She then started walking, intending to drag him along with her. "I don't suppose you know the city too well, and it is REALLY big. Really, it won't take long at all!"

"Hey--" But he followed her. Kenpachi did have a hard time finding Ichigo in Soul Society, so she was probably right that he wouldn't find him in a new city by himself. But he couldn't help but feel she was taking advantage of him somehow.

Several hours later, Kenpachi found himself carrying a large grocery bag and following behind Orihime as they "looked" for Ichigo. She'd had them check out the library, the school, the local temple, a pachinko parlour... namely, just about any place that Ichigo would not be found. "I just don't know what's wrong with Kurosaki-kun. I always run into him. Unless....oh no! What if he doesn't want to see me?" Orihime hid a small smile before she looked back at Kenpachi, eyes shining. The nutcase shinigami was actually rather cute when he tried to act like he was normal, following her on her goose chase. "You don't think he's mad at me, do you?"

Kenpachi hefted the bag, looking all sorts of grumpy and growly. "How the fuck should I-- Uhh, I mean... hell no. He'd be stupid to be mad at you. Maybe he IS stupid." Shit, most of the day was already gone. He didn't want to spend all this time here without doing something stimulating.

"You really think so?" Orihime blushed a little. "Kurosaki-kun can be really oblivious sometimes," she sighed. After a few moments of looking uncharacteristically not sparkly and happy, she shook her head. "Mou! It's getting late and we haven't succeeded. Where are you staying, Zaraki-san? I can make you dinner to make up for it."

"I was probably gonna sleep under an overpass somewhere. I don't need fancy stuff." Food, however, sounded good...

Orihime gasped. "Oh no you are not! You can stay with me," she said definitively. No ifs, ands, or buts on Kenpachi's part.

"I told you, I don't need that." Obstinant. "But I will have the food." Kenpachi's stomach was growling almost as much as he was.

Orihime gave Kenpachi a look. Stupid men always being stubborn and doing stupid things because they felt the need to be manly idiots. It was enough to make her want to stomp her foot and growl, and she did as she turned and started storming towards her apartment. Orihime would just have to convince him to stay later when his was guard was down after a nice meal. "What would you like for dinner then?"

Kenpachi blinked, and shivered a little inwardly. There it was. That seemingly out-of-character dominant side. There was no way she was as cute as she appeared on the outside. "Anything you have. I'm not picky." And some sake certainly would be nice after the day he'd had...

"Ooo... I can have fun then. I love to try new recipes." She smiled, the grrr forgotten. For the moment at least. "For some reason, I don't get to have guests over to cook for very often."

Kenpachi grinned to himself. She was so damned happy just to cook for someone. It almost made him wanna go beat the crap out of her friends for not visiting her more often.

Orihime snuck a glance at Kenpachi and grinned herself. He was rather handsome when he smiled in a non-homicidal way. She blushed at the thought and giggled to herself. They walked a few more blocks when she stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh! We should celebrate your visit and be naughty! Ever bought alcohol for a minor?"

"A minor? You mean you can't drink sake here... 'cause you're too young?"

"Mmhmm! You'd be contributing to the corruption of an innocent," Orihime almost smirked. "I suppose in Soul Society it's different? Everything seems more old fashioned there."

"Yeah. That's a bunch of bullshit. Everyone should have good sake when they can. Is that what you want? Here." He handed the bag to Inoue and stormed into the liquor store... and came out a moment later, actually looking sheepish. "Uhh... I don't have any money..."

Orihime giggled behind the bag and handed Kenpachi her wallet, which was pink and covered in Cinnamaroll. "Umm, I don't know. I've never bought any myself. Use your good judgement?"

Kenpachi looked down at the girly thing in his hand like it was going to bite his fingers off if he held onto it for too long. He opened the wallet, took some money out, and handed it back to her. "Be right back." He went back in, and before long, he emerged with a decent-sized bottle. "This should be good." He nonchalantly grabbed the bag back from Inoue and held both it and the bottle in one gigantic arm with little effort.

Orihime grinned and looped an arm over Kenpachi's free arm. She was a touchy feely with the friends kind of girl, and if anyone needed a friend, it was Zaraki Kenpachi. "Good. I know just what to make to go with it!"

Kenpachi didn't bother acting weird about it. He just grinned... he was getting food, he had booze! "Lead on, woman!"


* * * * *


Orihime took the grocery bag from Kenpachi and told him to make himself comfortable as she tossed the TV remote at him when they arrived at her place. "This shouldn't take too long! Do you have television in Soul Society? What do you do for fun, well, besides trying to kill each other?" She babbled as she took out pots and pans and what appeared to be a gigantic bottle of ketchup.

"We fight. Spar. Train. Brawl. Drink. What else to life is there?" He held the remote, but only looked at it. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what a television even was. "I mean, I guess those pussies in the other divisions do other stuff, but it seems a waste."

"There's things like the arts, and dating! Must be pretty tiring and lonely fighting all the time," Orihime pondered aloud as she chopped chicken with a very large knife.

"I'm not into that stuff. It's always just been me an' Yachiru, and the guys. That's really all I need." Kenpachi had never really thought anything was missing in his life. He still didn't. This girl just didn't have a clue about who he was. "Don't tell me you don't enjoy fighting. You must have had to train quite a bit to get to your level."

"It's a terrible feeling to watch people you care for get hurt because you are unable to protect yourself," she said as she slammed her knife into the wooden knife block. "I'm still not good enough." The chicken pieces went into the wok where some sort of sauce was thrown on them. "That's why I still train and try to get better."

And here Kenpachi was, enjoying fighting for the sake of fighting, while this girl had such a pure, good-hearted reason for it. Well, too fuckin' bad. To each their own. "I'd be interested in seeing your style sometime." If Ichigo could do what he did, he wondered what potential other humans had.

"Oh it's not at all impressive like Kurosaki-kun's, but any help I could get is great!" She smiled and made swishy sword movements with her hand and lightsaber noises. "That always looks so COOL, but for some reason I am not trusted with sharp, pointy objects." Orihime shrugged innocently.

Kenpachi didn't agree. After seeing her wail on that chicken with a knife, he thought she's be great at butchering things with a sword.

She started shoveling a huge mound of food onto a plate and plopped it down on the kitchen table. "Dinner's ready."

He got up and went over to the table. "It smells great..."

Orihime bounced in excitement. She so loved cooking for other people. "It's chicken with my special secret sauce and lots and lots of rice with the best part! Ketchup!"

Meat and rice. No crappy waste-of-time vegetables. Fucking awesome, even if a little odd. He dug in, eating as if he hadn't for a days... but it was only Kenpachi's scary normal appetite. "Shit, this is good." And he ended up eating heaping tons of it. A damn fine meal.

Orihime almost started sniffling when it became obvious that Zaraki Kenpachi was one of the only other almost-humans on the planet who shared her weird tastes in food. But since it would not do to get all weepy, she sat down beaming happily and started eating her own dinner. She held her own against Kenpachi and showed that not all girls were simpering weirdos afraid to eat lest it ruin their figure. After she finally cleared off her plate, she leaned back and patted her tummy. "I have ice cream for dessert."

"Too damn sweet. Let's crack out that sake."

"Ok then," Orihime bounced over to the cupboard, grabbing two glasses and the bottle, plopping them in front of Kenpachi. "You have the experience, so you do the honours."

Kenpachi filled both glasses--who needs wussy sake cups--and handed them to Orihime. "Heat those up. It'll taste better." He didn't figure she'd like the taste too much, considering she was a newbie.

Orihime placed them in the microwave for a few seconds before handing Kenpachi back his glass. She sniffed at her own glass before holding it up. "To a day that should have been weird but wasn't!" She took a small sip and was proud she did not promptly spit it back out.

Kenpachi relaxed into his cup, breathing in the warm scent deeply before taking a sip. Honest to goodness, he looked like a beat-up old dog enjoying a comfortable spot in front of a fireplace. "Yeah." It hadn't been that weird, actually. For all the fucked up domesticated things he did today in this world... the small break hadn't been displeasing. Besides, he didn't figure he was going to get in a lot of action on this stupid dare anyway. Maybe he would run into some hollows, maybe Ichigo. But maybe he really could treat this like a vacation. "Good sake. You like it?"

Orihime coughed out a response that sounded like "Yes!" The first sip still had her blinking back tears but she gamely knocked back a little more of the sake. It didn't burn quite as much the second time around. "Is it supposed to burn all the way down?"

"Yeah... that's what makes it so good." He grinned like a shark, thoroughly enjoying this evening.

"It must be nice on cold nights," Orihime pondered out loud. By now, she really wasn't tasting the sake all that much. Like all strong liquor, it had killed her taste buds so much that now it was starting taste good. Not being used to drinking, Orihime was already starting to sport a fetching blush.

"Mmmhmm." Being very used to drinking, and being a big guy who'd just eaten a lot of food... there was no way Kenpachi would even approach slightly buzzed on the small amount of alochol they had. But it was enjoyable nonetheless. "Yo, little lady, don't go overboard with that stuff... you'll feel bad in the morning." Kenpachi didn't plan to stick around that long though. He'd respect Inoue's wishes of not persuing Ichigo for now... in gratitude for the food. But all bets were off once she was asleep.

"Oh? But it's good!" She finished off her glass and slammed it back on the table. "More, please!" She giggled and rested her chin on her hands cutely as she looked across the table at Kenpachi.

"Hey, girls usually pour the sake!" He slammed his own empty glass down, garing back at that cute face for a few moments, attempting to convince her to pour the sake. It didn't take. So he finally grumbled and poured two more glasses, shoving one at her. 'Now way in hell was he gonna heat 'em up with that crazy box though.

Orihime accepted the drink from Kenpachi and downed half of it in one gulp. "No one would ever mistake you for a girl, Zaraki-san." She hiccuped and promptly started giggling. "And you never did say why you're here..."

"I did too. Ichigo. I told you." He pointed his finger at her pointedly. She was trying to confuse him. He disctinctly remembered what he had said earlier.

"You said you were looking for Kurosaki-kun, but I didn't think that was the whole reason. No ultra cool secret mission?"

"Nope, no secret mission. Call it a vacation." Damn you, Ikkaku... there is no cool reason for any of this. And vacations are lame excuses to be lazy! He eyed her when she started giggling and made the girl comment. "I think you've had enough..."

Orihime pouted but relinquished her glass. "Fine. Spoilsport... oh!" She stood up quickly and promptly swayed on her feet heavily. "Whoa... the room's all spinny." She shook her head and wobbled over to a closet, where she promptly started pulling out the extra futon. "You're going to need a place to sleep since you can't sleep with me."

"Hey hey!" Kenpachi stood up. "The food is one thing, but I ain't stayin' here! I already told you that." She seriously looked like she was gonna keel over, so he came closer, pulling the futon away from her and setting it down so she wouldn't have to expend the effort she clearly needed to stand with.

Orihime's lower lip started to wobble as she looked up at Kenpachi with quivering eyes. "It's nice to have someone here, and not be so lonely, and it's just not right to have you sleep outside when you can stay here. It's not cause you don't like me, is it? I like you!"

Oh god. This is why he didn't hang out around women. Men understood each other, women... blew things out of proportion like this. "Shit. That's not why at all. I like you just fine. But the night air is good for ya... and it's cramped in here with me getting in the way..." They all seemed poor excuses. Kenpachi just hated charity. He liked living a tough life you could be proud of. Being offered a warm comfy place by a teenage girl was almost... disgraceful. But if she really felt alone... "Dammit. Don't you dare cry, girl. You're stronger than that."

"I am not going to cry," Orihime sniffled and glared at Kenpachi. "Maybe sake is bad, but there is nothing wrong with letting your friends help you, so don't act like you can't stay here because you have to be a man or something silly like that." She put her hands on her hips and gave Kenpachi her best determined face.

"Fuck you, lady." But Kenpachi was grinning like a madman. He found this determined thing of hers to be quite attractive, and not many people as small as her ever bickered with him.

Orihime snorted. "You wish!" She was smiling though, her own version of the crazy grin.

"Fine, you win. I'll stay, but just for tonight. And I owe you something for it. If you wanna train, we can. Or go hollow-hunting. AFTER I see Ichigo." And unlike Ichigo and her other friends, Kenpachi didn't seem for a second like the type who felt the need to protect Orihime from harm. Kenpachi was talking to her like an equal. If she got beat up, that was her own damned problem.

"Your division is really strong, so you must be rubbing off on them the right way. I would very much like to train with you. I don't think I'd be very good at hollow hunting." She returned to the closet and pulled out a blanket and pillow, just one since Kenpachi was insistent on being a silly male.

"Good." That ended quick. And here he was for the night. Kenpachi half-scowled to himself, grumpy that she had managed to manipulate him so easily. He took the blanket and pillow and plopped them on the futon off in the far corner. Somehow, he was determined to take up the least amount of space possible... for being one of the bigger guys ever. "I'm going to bed then. Early start tomorrow." With any luck, he'd be out of here in a few hours. He took off his shirt, throwing it to the floor...

Orihime watched Kenpachi start to strip and turned beet red. Somehow, it just wasn't the same as dealing with her guy buddies stripping. More uncomfortable and sort of naughty feeling. "You need something to sleep in, I'm sorry!" She hurried off as fast as she could move without swaying to find something for the huge man to wear. Her clothes were right out, and what she had left of her brother's were probably too small as well. An old yukata was the best she could find. "I'm not sure how well it'll fit, but you can try this," she said still blushing and held it out towards Kenpachi. "I'll just go get ready for bed myself now..."

"No I don--" But she was already gone. And back. He took the yukata, looking it over. It would be a lot more comfortable than these stupid pants. "Thanks." He waited for her to leave before stripping the rest of the way and slipping into the yukata. It was a bit small, a little highwater, but otherwise decent.

Orihime re-emerged from her room wearing her own sleep attire, which just happened to consist of a pair of barely-there boy cut shorts and a tank top. "That fits better than I thought it would," she said as she continued to blush a bit and stare at Kenpachi.

Kenpachi just plain stared back at her. He didn't mean to, but he was caught very off-guard. Inoue clearly lacked modesty, much like a guy. But the sheer amount of skin showing in that outfit left little to the imagination that she was very much a girl. Kenpachi didn't respond, but he was sure his mouth was hanging open a little, his face feeling a little flushed itself. ". . . . ."

Orihime tilted her head to the side confused. "Are you feeling ok, Zaraki-san?"

"Yes!" He blurted out, trying not to let his eyes wander. He almost had a distinct feeling of guilt... appearance-wise, Inoue wasn't that much older than Yachiru. And in actuality, she was probably much younger than Yachiru. He shouldn't be staring. Dammit, that's why it was less complicated to not have women around. "Goodnight."

Orihime squirmed in place under Kenpachi's heavy gaze. She was never the focus of that much attention and while it did make her squirm, it also made her blush since it was also kind of nice. It was like Kenpachi saw HER and only her, not through her or around her to someone else. She smiled sweetly and waved. "Nighty night, Zaraki-san. I'll just be in my room if you need me, so don't be afraid to knock."

Kenpachi nodded, thinking it ridiculous to say he'd be afraid of anything. He flopped down on the futon, trying not to even look in the direction of her room. Dammit, this was annoying. He would just wait a few minutes and then sneak out. She'd get over it. But by the time he had formulated a plan, he had already dozed off.


* * * * *


Kenpachi woke up sometime later to pounding on the door. It was none of his business to answer callers, so he rolled over and ignored it. He was already pissed off that he'd ended up staying the whole damned night. It was already light out.

"Oi! Inoue, you there? I've got those notes I borrowed!"

Kenpachi perked, a slow smile spreading across his face as he recognized the voice.

Ichigo stood outside, bored. Inoue had told him to drop by in the morning with the notes he had borrowed, but she was either gone, or was still asleep. The door finally opened. "Hey, In--"

Zaraki Kenpachi, of the scariest 11th division, stood before him... in a barely-there yukata. Grinning like a maniac.

"Yo, Ichigo! Let's fight!!"

"Wh-what the hell are you doing here?" His eyes widened at Zaraki's attire, then his scowl deepened. "What did you do to Inoue?!"

Kenpachi blinked, having forgotten where he was and what he was wearing... in light of facing his greatest rival yet again. "Nothing. She's in bed."

"You bastard!!"

"Ooh! Now you feel like fighting! Let's go--"

Orihime was woken up from her nice, sound sleep by screaming and things banging. It took a couple of moments of blinking and head rubbing before it made sense as to why she heard Kurosaki-kun and another man in her apartment... and then said banging and shouting made her head start pounding as her hangover headache made itself known. Orihime growled under her breath and stormed out of her bedroom, not bothering to cover up. Those boys were going to get a piece of her mind!

The sight that greeted her was Kenpachi chasing Ichigo around her living room as they both screamed insults at each other. Orihime growled again. "Stop it! And I mean both of you!!" She was forced to rub her temples since screaming hurt. She leaned against the doorway for support. Zaraki-san had been right, she'd drank too much.

Ichigo's jaw dropped when he saw her. Neither of them were wearing anything! What the hell was going on? "Inoue, Zaraki-taichou IS IN YOUR LIVING ROOM!!" To state the obvious.

"You idiot, you woke her up. I bet she's got a hangover too, so shut up." Kenpachi was in the process of trying to crawl out of his gigai, so he could better fight Ichigo.

"YOU GOT HER DRUNK?!?!"

"Kurosaki-kun, could you please keep it down?" Orihime tried to smile at him, but her nerves were a little worn. "Zaraki-san is my guest and we had too much fun last night it seems."

Ichigo broke at those words. His innocent childhood friend, taken advantage of by a hideous monster... and she didn't even realize it. "Inoue, he... no...."

Kenpachi grinned as he pulled free of his gigai, now in his full shinigami regalia. He brandished his zanpakutou in Ichigo's direction, a violently blissful expression on his face. "Sorry lady, we'll take this outside now..."

"Oh no you won't! You put that away right now," Orihime growled at Kenpachi and glared at him, her determined face back in full force.

"Hate to tell you this, but there is no way you can stop me from fighting him. But we won't do it here. Thanks for your hospitality, I'll be on my way." He walked towards Ichigo and the door.

"Fine, just stay away from her." Ichigo growled. God, Zaraki was creepy. But if Ichigo had to fight him to protect Inoue, he would...

That was the final straw for Orihime. Since Kenpachi was closer and she figured it would be easier to reason with Ichigo, or so she hoped, she launched off the wall faster than one would imagine a hungover girl could move. Using a move that Tatsuki had taught to fight off random molesters, or Honjou Chizuru, she elbowed Kenpachi low in the back and wrapped her arms around him from behind and suplexed him. Before he had a chance to fling her off, she wrapped her legs around his neck and twisted his non-swordbearing arm until the bones started to grind. "I told you to stop it," Orihime said sweetly and squeezed her thighs tighter. She smiled over at Ichigo from her perch on Kenpachi, quite secure in her submission hold. "Thank you for bringing back my notes, Kurosaki-kun!"

Ichigo gawked. He had never seen her do such a thing in his entire life.

Kenpachi went "oof" with a giant thud, and stared blankly in shock. Did the tiny little female just flatten him? In front of Ichigo? She'd hit him so hard that when he landed, he had been knocked straight back into his gigai. This of course made the position she held him in that much more compromising, since he was back in the yukata.

Ichigo swallowed, his voice weak. Clearly Inoue didn't need his protection (even against Zaraki, what the hell??). He placed the notebook on the floor, walking backwards away from it and towards the door. "Okay then, I-Inoue... I'll just leave this here. Thanks. Bye." The door clicked behind him before he let himself breathe again. That was too weird.

"I wonder what was wrong with Kurosaki-kun. He seemed strange," Orihime wondered out loud. She looked down at Kenpachi and grinned. "Now, are you going to behave?"

"Hell no!! I'm gonna go out there and catch him--get off of me!" He struggled, growling. His pride was wounded, and his chance for a rematch with Ichigo was slipping away. This entire world was so dumb.

Orihime growled right back at him and squeezed harder with her legs to hang on. Kenpachi was stronger than her, but she was doing her best. "I'm being serious here. You don't need to get into another fight that will almost kill both of you."

"I'm not gonna kill him, I just wanna hrrk--" He squeaked as she squeezed her thighs together tighter around his neck. Only then did he really realize how she was holding him down... he was too pissed off to be embarassed about it though. He sighed. "Lady, don't make me hurt you. Get off."

"There will be no threatening of me, mister," Orihime stated as she let go of her death grip on Kenpachi long enough to snag the new clothesline she had purchased but hadn't hung up outside yet. With the skill of a Japanese bondage fetish pornographer, she tied Kenpachi up and secured him to the radiator. She figured the heating unit would hold should he start to struggle. "Now, you take a time out while I go take my bath. Afterwards, I'll make breakfast!" She resisted the urge to pat him on the head and almost skipped off to her room. Somehow, her headache had lifted in spite of the rude awakening she'd had.

Human women were monsters! Maybe Ikkaku WAS right. Kenpachi watched as Inoue skipped off to her room, and he shuddered. Somehow, it was terrifying in a way completely unlike the wars and bloodshed and battles he was used to. He flexed his hand slightly to find that he had been bound REALLY tightly, to the point where his fingers tingled. He heard the radiator click on after a while, and the flesh that was touching the hot metal started to smart. He wondered if she'd been taught in the ways of torture, 'cause this was exactly that. And regardless of how pissed he was about losing Ichigo again... he had to admit that this new development was rather amusing. It wasn't boring anyway.

A while later, Orihime emerged from her room wearing a fluffy bathrobe and towelling off her hair. She was squeaky clean and smelling lightly of the vanilla bath products she used. "How do you feel about pancakes?" She asked cheerfully as she looked down at Kenpachi.

This woman must not be right in the head. He grinned defiantly. "Not hungry."

"Oh? I guess there'll be more for me then!" Orihime chirped and moved off to the kitchen. She took out a big mixing bowl and all the ingredients she needed and got to work. She whistled happily off key as she mixed the pancake batter and started to fry up the pancakes. Pretty soon, Orihime had a huge stack of golden brown pancakes finished. She glanced over at Kenpachi and grinned to herself before she walked over to the fridge and pulled out a can of whipped cream. She took her pancakes over to the table and liberally coated her first four pancakes with said whipped cream and dug in.

"Look. I wasn't gonna hurt him... 'just rough him up a little." Kenpachi reasoned, eyeing the pancakes... they looked good. "If you don't wanna lose your radiator, you'd better let me go." He could rip the thing from the wall if he needed to.

"And then I'd be left fixing both of you up when you got hurt," Orihime replied. She licked a bit of whipped cream off her lips and added another pancake to her plate.

"Che. Did you not hear me?"

"If you'd like breakfast, all you have to do is ask."

"There's no way in hell I'm gonna ask you for anything, lady. That's not even what I said." He growled, straining against his bonds and making the radiator creak in protest. "What the hell point does this serve now? Ichigo's gone."

"So you don't intend to tear out of here looking for him?" Orihime sighed and got up from the table. She crouched down in front of Kenpachi and started to untie him. Ichigo should have had a chance to take himself out of the immediate area and with Kenpachi's sense of direction, the orange-haired boy was quite safe.

Kenpachi sulked. "Probably couldn't find him even if I looked." He became increasingly apparent of how close she was as she worked to untie him. This bitch in her poofy robe who had somehow managed to incapacitate the great Zaraki Kenpachi. She smelled nice. Dammit. He shook his head, jumping when a strand of her hair fell across his cheek.

Orihime tucked the stray strand of hair behind her ear and finished untying Kenpachi. She stayed crouched in a squatting position and stared at Kenpachi's face for a moment before running a finger down his facial scar lightly. "That must have hurt, but I can't imagine you without it." She stood up and smiled happily. "May as well stay for pancakes! You can use the bath too. Oh! Maybe later today we can do some training. Do you like whipped cream? I've got more ketchup and peanut butter too."

His eye widened at her kind words as she touched him. He didn't know how to respond, and she changed the subject so quickly that he couldn't have anyway. He rubbed at the red marks on his wrists, watching her ramble on. He didn't pay attention to what she said, he just watched her, feeling a little flushed as he did. This one, with her mind games, was most certainly a worthy opponent. And he realized... he rather liked spending time with her. And so... "Fuck yeah, bring it on."